Oh, man. Where do I even start?
When I chose the name, “Worth the Mess,” years ago, I was thinking that life is hectic and crazy and none of us is perfect – sometimes it’s a little messy, but that’s okay. It was a cute notion that is absolutely true. So many of us strive for perfection and compare ourselves to others, especially on social media (a totally inaccurate way to measure someone’s life by the way) and we so often fall short. But that’s all right because perfection is not the goal. At least, it shouldn’t be. Because it isn’t possible.
However, as I sit here, years later, in the midst of the rubble that was once my life, I find an entirely new meaning. Perhaps, an even more honest one. I am broken. I am hurting. Some days, I am fighting to stay sober or even stay alive. I have never done things I regret or been hurt more in my entire life. Felt trapped in this slow and vicious cycle that has ruined my life. Yeah, I know, this is got heavy real fast. Bear with me…
I’ll share my story in time, but this has easily been the worst year and a half of my life. And I’ve been through some rough stuff over the years. The messy kitchen or unfinished projects or even the worldwide pandemic have been the least of my problems this year. I have been barely scraping by, not knowing who I was or what I believed about God or love, almost losing my life and then taking the painful and horribly lonely steps to get it back again. I finally thought I was seeing a light at the end of the tunnel this summer, and then everything came crashing down even worse than before.
I am a mess. My life is a mess…
“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good…”Genesis 50:20a
God doesn’t change. He knew what would happen to me, what I would do, and He had a plan ready for me before it even happened. A good plan. A plan to redeem the messes I made. The mess that was me. My broken heart. My broken everything. I don’t deserve love or redemption or to be saved. But God’s love is so great that not only did He walk through these valleys with me (even when I couldn’t feel it), He was waiting on the other side, excited and ready to welcome me back into His arms.
I’ve never known love like this before. It’s hard to explain the depth without explaining the details, but maybe some of you already know what I’m talking about. We feel ashamed, we feel worthless, we feel like we’re failures at home, as a spouse, at work, in our families. We feel broken. But maybe those broken pieces are where the healing whispers of God mean the most. After all, the Bible says that Jesus didn’t come for the healthy, did He?
He came for the messes. He came for me. He loves me. He sees me, sees everything I have done, my shame and regret, and He sees what’s been done to me, all my grief and sorrow. He sees the worst, messiest parts of me. I’d dare to even say there’s no part of my self that isn’t a complete mess. But lucky for me, my God specializes in taking messes and making beautiful things out of them.
So here I am, starting this blog – my life is a mess, this blog is still a mess, everything a mess. But God continues to grip me and speak words directly to the deepest parts of my soul: I love you. I’ve got you. Keep moving forward.
So that’s what I plan to do.