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A Personal Psalm

Do you ever have those raw, uncontaminated moments with God? Where you are beaten bare, bruised and bleeding. Where, perhaps your thoughts aren’t exactly clear and aligned with God at that moment, but you pour everything out to Him anyway? Thought the details of my life are not clear to you right now, maybe this will resonate with someone. This is simply a journal entry of my raw emotion as I poured out my broken heart to God. My doubting heart. My confused heart.

I need to grow. I need to change. I need to hurt and feel and just keep walking. I need less of me. I’m so needy, aren’t I? I don’t feel fair feelings the things I do against others. In fact, I war against them every day. I crave objectivity and honesty. Vulnerability. I wonder how and when kinship will come. I wonder if I simply need to be alone. Maybe for a long time. And then I wonder if maybe that’s unhealthy for me. I need wonder.

Do I need to learn to just be? Is that how I grow? It is possible for me to exist without that constant chirping voice inside me saying that I’m not doing enough? That I need to be better? Not for approval, but because it is right. This is how we live, isn’t it? Chasing a goal we will never achieve in pursuit of removing all weakness? All areas of failure?

Am I driven so harshly right now to somehow even out the catastrophic mistake that had been the last year and a half of my life? To atone? To pay my penance? Did the good that happened during even matter if the only thing I truly wanted was destroyed in the end? What is grace? Where is it here? No one could possibly tell me I didn’t get everything that I deserved. And I’m sure they were pleased with that.

I lost it all. And I lose more everyday. How do I get better? What do I need to repent? Is there any amount of repentance that will ever fix this? I think not, but I know I can’t stop myself from chasing it anyway. Is the right thing to carry my blame like a scarlet letter? To let them stand justified on their pedestals and lower myself to nothing so that they can heal? To live in loneliness and loss and be happy at their successes and advance? Do I sacrifice myself for them forever?

Does any of this even matter? I know God is not done, but what if I am? What if I can’t live with being the only one trying to make things right in the midst of the horrible aftermath?

Where is the grace? Where is your mercy now? The right thing to do is just bite the bit and plow forward. Deal with it. Because I wasn’t fair, either. Is all pain valid and right? Are we all entitled or are we all called to see the other’s side? Is there any call to be better? To grow? To do the right thing? Or do selfishness, fear and anger win every time?

I thought You care about this more. I thought it mattered to You. Does He care about this as much as I thought He did? It doesn’t feel that way anymore. Maybe I’ve misunderstood more than I think. I just want to do the right thing. Get over it? Be grieved? Fight it? No one will ever know how hard I fought and that feels achingly lonely.

I need to know. But how can I know if I don’t know what I’m supposed to know? Where is your grace?

Maybe I’ll find you in the mountains. I need to find you in the mountains.

Part 2 coming soon….

1 Comment

  • Reply
    Heidi
    January 12, 2021 at 9:14 am

    Beautifully written- yes very raw. The valleys can seem like they’ll never end, but they will, and you’ll be back on that mountain before you know it. There’s always hope in God. Don’t give up! Praying for you!!

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